So my name is Marcy Annabelle Carrian and I'm a gender fluid lesbian. When I say lesbian, what I really mean is that no matter what I look like, my preference is always women. You can ask my wife if you don't believe me. I've been dual gendered since, well, I guess when I was born. People have been mistaking me for a girl longer than I can remember. I hated that fact because as much as I had wanted to fulfill my more feminine needs, I was endlessly mocked for being soft. It's hard to embrace something perpetually used as a weapon against you. If they treated me so poorly as a boy, what would they do if I tried to embrace my other half? The possibilities scared me into suppressing Marcy as deeply as possible.
College was the first time I got the opportunity to dip my toes into the deep, ever moving sea that is gender identity. I started as many with my particular hobby do- by swiping a pair of panties left in the dryer at the laundromat. Soon came the pantyhose and a skirt, followed by a dress and shoes. I had bras and panties I legitimately purchased. I spent many nights literally in the closet, wearing my pretty crap and praying to God that my room mate wouldn't randomly barge in looking for something as he often did. My closet was the only place I felt safe, which I wouldn't realize the humor of until I started writing this. (Side note: "In the closet" is typically a euphemism for homosexuality, and though I'm not gay, it seems like an appropriate usage insofar as I felt the need to keep my girl side deeply hidden.)
I fall into a special category in the trans umbrella insofar
as I never felt that I was born in the wrong body. Or at least not all
the time, but I'm pretty sure every guy has wanted his own set of boobs
at one point or another. I've never resented my genitalia, nor do I ever plan to take hormones or make surgical changes to my body.
After a couple of years, sitting in my room late at night was no longer satisfactory and I started dressing in the middle of the day. I then started talking to other girls from all over the globe who were in similar situations. Many of whom were too afraid to step out into the bright and shiny world, just like I was until recently. Because of them, I learned to embrace my girly nature and experiment with makeup and nail polish. I even began to go shopping from time to time in girl mode and came out to my local friends, who were nothing but kind, albeit curious.
A year later, I met the love of my life who met me as Marcy before she knew my boy side. We are now married and I spend more time en femme than I do as a dude. Before I knew it, going out as a girl became as natural as breathing. I couldn't have done it without the love and support of all my friends and family. I started this blog to help inspire other girls (and dudes) to have the confidence to embrace themselves for who they are and step into that bright and shiny sun.
Though I will warn you, shit gets crazy sometimes...
